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November 27, 2020
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Humorous

Fun Ideas for My Next Existential Crisis

Woman reading the back of a cereal box.

Reading: Any sort of book counts, but, in the absence of one, cereal boxes and ads are fine, too.


Woman looking at a woman walking by with a New York Public Library tote bag.

Thinking about how some people go to the library: If reading proves too big a first step, it’s O.K. to just consider other people doing it.


Woman stuck in a complicated yoga pose.

Yoga-teacher training: Weird that this is two hundred hours and none of those hours are set aside for shopping.


Dating different types of people: It’s good to get out of my comfort zone sometimes. Plus, we have different tastes in food, so he won’t drink my Soylent.


Learning a foreign language: French seems hard, so maybe I’ll try Trumpian English?


Woman out to dinner with a beaver.

Looking at nature: This is made easier by the fact that I’m now in a relationship with a beaver.


Dyeing my hair: Nothing says “I don’t constantly think about death” like having six additional highlights.


Woman meditating on her couch while her beaver partner watches.

Meditating: Wait, am I just supposed to sit here? This has been way overhyped.


Woman is sad and eating a bowl of kale.

Changing my diet: If I were to try this alleged “kale,” I’d maybe understand what we’re meant to be doing on this alleged “planet.” But I really don’t want to.


Woman is sleeping and drooling on the subway.

Deleting my social media: Then reviving it three days later, just like Christ.


Getting divorced: I’ve seen enough movies to know that I can’t seek meaning abroad until a big split, so if anyone would like to marry me, that’d be a great first step.


Finally watching the news: It makes sense to start from the beginning, though, right?


Woman looking for her keys in the couch.

Searching for meaning: Or my keys—they’re always missing.


Questioning my assumptions: Maybe the cheese should go on before the mayonnaise.


Woman sitting on the floor drinking wine and talking to her mother on the phone.

Calling my mom to tell her I love her: Granted, I should probably be doing this more regularly already, but something about pondering how and why it is that we came to be here makes me think about my mom. Will unpack this during my next existential crisis.

Asking myself what it is that I want from my one short life on this beautiful earth: This one is hard, so I’ll come back to it.

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